If I open my door, would I find you there standing right at the doorstep or would it be just an empty space…another empty hall?

For several years, I’ve kept that door locked not wanting someone to find their way in because visitors often leave you nothing but mess.

People will come in. They will just look around and sit down for a while. But will eventually stand up and leave, not wanting to take the whole tour. Not having the time or the care to see what really was inside. Not knowing that they are really expected. That they are really wanted and needed.

When they leave, they leave an awfully big mess and cleaning it up would be more than a chore. It would be an excruciating task that no matter how hard you scrub, the dent is still there. The soot, the grime, it will always remind you of how foolish you have become for inviting them in.

You’ll slowly close the door, lock it and throw the key out of the window. No one can come in anymore. No more mess. No more cleaning. But when someone comes knocking, you look into the peephole and be happy again. Someone came…without being invited. Maybe it’s time to open the door, to let someone in. But you’ve already thrown out the key and opening that damn door would take a while because you have to rip off that lock yourself. This is the point that you would start wishing…wishing you haven’t thrown out the key… or better yet…wishing he had found the key that would make him stop knocking and he would open that door himself.

Did you find the key? I sure hope you did.

bakit mo siya mahal? bakit nga ba? mahal mo ba siya dahil mabait siya?
dahil maganda siya? dahil kailangan mo siya? dahil sexy siya? dahil
pinaliligaya ka niya? dahil binubuo niya ang pagkatao mo? dahil
pinagliliwanag niya ang bawat araw mo? dahil siya ang buhay mo? dahil
hindi mo kayang mabuhay ng wala siya?

maraming dahilang pwede
mong maisip kung bakit mo siya mahal…pero minsan hindi lahat ng bagay
kailangan ng paliwanag…basta mahal mo ang isang tao, hindi na
kailangang ipaliwanag pa…dahil anumang pagsisikap na lagyan ito ng
rason, ng dahilan ay parang pagbibigay ng limitasyon sa iyong
pagmamahal…pag sinabing mahal mo siya dahil mabait siya…ibig bang
sabihin kapag sumama siya hindi mo na siya mahal? mahal mo siya dahil
maganda siya kaya pag pangit na siya ay hindi mo na siya mahal? mahal
mo siya dahil kailangan mo siya? eh paano kung hindi na? mahal mo siya
dahil sexy siya? eh paano kung maging lumba-lumba na siya sa katabaan?
mahal mo siya dahil pinaliligaya ka niya, eh paano yung mga panahong
nalungkot ka dahil sa kanya? hindi mo siya mahal nun? mahal mo siya
dahil binubuo niya ang pagkatao mo? eh paano kung mag-iba ang pagkatao
mo? iba na rin ang mamahalin mo? mahal mo siya dahil pinagliliwanag
niya ang araw mo…eh paano sa panahong madilim ang mundo dahil sa
kanya? mahal mo siya dahil siya ang buhay mo? eh paano kapag namatay
ka? mahal mo siya dahil hindi mo kayang mabuhay ng wala siya? eh paano
kung mawala siya pero buhay ka pa rin?

mahirap lagyan ng
paliwanag kung bakit mahal mo ang isang tao…dahil hindi kayang
sukatin o pantayan ng anumang salita ang nadarama ng isang pusong
nagmamahal. madalas nga tayong magtanong ng bakit upang bigyang
paliwanag ang mga bagay…pero ang pag-ibig ay isang bagay na walang
paliwanag…mahal mo ang isang tao dahil mahal mo siya…hindi dahil sa
kung anumang nakita mo sa kanya na maaaring mawala, magbago at
mapalitan…dahil mawala man, mabago man o mapalitan man ang mga
katangiang ito…mahal mo pa rin siya.

I was never a fan of poetry. But what the heck…I breathe to write, I live to write. So here goes nothing…

Gusto kong yakapin ka ng buong higpit

Upang maramdaman mo na nasasaktan ako.

Nasasaktan ako dahil wala ka sa piling ko.

Gusto kong hawakan ang iyong kamay

Upang malaman mong takot ako.

Takot akong humakbang ng wala ang pag-alalay mo.

Gusto kong ibulong sa tainga mo ang nilalaman ng isip ko.

Upang malaman mo kung gaano kagulo ang buhay ko ng dahil sa
iyo.

Gusto kong haplusin ang iyong mukha

Upang ikintal sa aking alaala ang larawan mo

Gusto kong makapiling ka ngayon

Upang bawat oras ay magkaroon ng kabuluhan

Upang kahit sandali’y maging masaya naman ako.

Gusto kong marinig sa mga labi mo ang pangalan ko

Upang malaman ko ang halaga ko sa iyo.

Gusto kong maramdamang mahal mo rin ako

Upang mapatunayan kong tama ang nararamdaman ko

Gusto kong ulitin ang lahat ng sandali

Upang itama ang lahat ng

mali

Gusto kong magbakasali

Na magbabalik ka pang muli

Gusto kong malaman mong mahal kita…

Kahit di ka na muling mapapasaakin pa.

I don’t want to impose. When it comes to commitments, I give people a
leeway to decide how they could keep their commitments. Ang importante
sa akin is that they deliver. I don’t care how. Basta I want results.

I expect someone
to deliver something he/she has promised me. Ang inaasahan ko na ay
iyong resulta. Hindi ko ididikta sa kanya kung paano niya gagawin iyon
or kung kailan niya sisimulang gawin iyon. Ang mahalaga, magawa niya
iyon at maibigay sa akin sa takdang panahon.

Dahil ayoko ng
dinidiktahan ako. I don’t want someone imposing and telling me how to
live my life and how to do my work. Kaya hindi ko pinakikialaman ang
hindi ko trabaho. I don’t care about someone else’s business as long as
it does not concern or directly affects me. Kung hindi ko ikayayaman or
ikahihirap, wala akong pakialam.

Oo, minsan frustrating
kapag nakikita ko iyong taong iyon na walang ginagawang effort para
ma-fulfill sa akin iyong commitment niya. Pero kasi hindi ko naman
hawak ang buhay niya. Desisyon niya kung anong balak niyang gawin sa
buhay niya. As long as matupad niya ang binitiwan niyang salita, okey
na sa akin iyon. Kung hindi niya iyon kayang pangatawanan, well then,
hindi ko na siya pag-aaksayahan ng panahon ko.

Dahil naniniwala
ako that experience is the best teacher. Hayaan mong madapa ang bata
para maramdaman niyang masakit pala masugatan at hindi na niya ulitin
iyon. Pero kapag pagkatapos niyang madapa ay wala siyang natutunan,
aba, baka may mali sa kanya.

Dahil naniniwala akong binigyan tayo ng
utak para gamitin sa mga sitwasyong higit na kailangang mag-isip tayo
kaysa ngumawa. At binigyan tayo ng puso para maramdaman natin ang lahat
ng sakit para hindi na natin naising manakit ng iba.

If someone does not function that way, he/she is probably not human after all.

Bakit tumitibok ang puso?

Para bigyang buhay ang mundo. Para ipakilala sa lahat na ang nag-mamay-ari sa kanya ay isang taong marunong magmahal at nangangarap na mahalin. Para uminog ang mundo at lumipas ang oras. Dahil sa pagdaan ng bawat sandali, lumulipas din ang sakit, naghihilom din ang mga sugat at nanunumbalik ang saya.

Bakit tumitibok ang puso?

Para turuan tayong magmahal. Para maramdaman natin ang saya. Para magkaroon ng kabuluhan ang buhay.

Pero paano kapag tumigil ang tibok nito?

Mamamatay ang pagmamahal. Mawawala ang saya. Maglalaho ang lahat ng bagay na maganda. Ang lahat ay mawawalan ng saysay. Mawawalan ng kulay ang mundo. Titigil ito sa pag-ikot. Titigil ang bawat sandali. Hindi na lilipas ang panahon. Hindi na lilipas ang sakit. Hindi na maghihilom ang mga sugat. Wala nang pag-asang manumbalik ang saya.

Paano patitigilin ang pagtibok ng puso?

Pigilan mo ang pag-ikot ng mundo. Pigilan mo ang pagsikat ng araw sa umaga. Pigilan mo rin ang paglubog nito. Pigilan mo ang pag-ihip ng hangin. Pigilan mo ang pag-alon ng dagat. At pigilan mong lumipas ang bawat araw na darating.

Bakit kailangan pang pigilan ang pagtibok ng puso?

Bakit hindi mo hayaang tumibok ito? Hayaan mo siyang masugatan. Hayaan mo siyang masaktan. Hayaan mong minsang pumatak ang mga luha. Hayaan mong minsan maramdaman ang kirot.

Dahil ang bakal ay pinapanday sa apoy. At gaya ng bakal, ang puso ay pinapanday ng dalisay na pag-ibig na kumakanlong dito. Sa bandang huli, ang bawat pilat ang siyang magbibigay dahilan kung bakit nararapat lamang na ikaw ay mabuhay at lumigaya.

If you could have one super power, say: time travel, teleporting, telekinesis, ability to fly, regeneration or the ability to mimic every one else’s power, would you be a hero and save the world?

Origin of Heroes

Heroes is a new sci-fi drama produced by NBC and made its US premier on September, 2006. It became a phenomenal hit over the US and started pummeling a world-wide appeal come early 2007. Half way through its first season, Heroes have already garnered awards and recognitions like Favorite New TV Drama for 2007 from the People’s Choice Award and nominated as Best New Television Program at the Golden Globe Awards. As the rest of its first season wraps up, more and more viewers world wide are hooked in superpower mania.

The main storyline for Heroes basically revolves around ordinary human beings facing different struggles and issues in their everyday life like a high school teenager trying to search for her own social identity, a young man trying to win the love of his brother and parents, a professor grieving to the death of his father. Ordinary issues which almost all of us can relate to. But with one great twist.

As each of the characters try to struggle and survive their own predicaments, each one of them discover something different among themselves. Each of them discovers that they have this super human abilities embedded in their genetic framework. This discovery brings forth more confusion and more mystery to their personalities.

The Comic Book Appeal

Heroes captivated the hearts of viewers because of its fast-paced plots and suspense thrilling twists. It was as if you were watching a comic book as each episode continues to unfold. The sudden turns in the story line makes the viewers think and wonder, what happens next? The need to answer that question makes the viewers stay glued to their television sets waiting for the next chapters to unveil.

The show has a great cast composed of young actors of different acting expertise. Milo Ventimiglia, who used to play the role of bad boy Jess in Gilmore girls, is back with his sleek moves as he plays Peter Petrelli who has the power to copy the abilities of others who comes in close contact with him. Hayden Panettiere, the rebellious girl from the movie Raising Helen, now plays the role of Claire Bennett who is a young cheerleader from Texas who has the power to regenerate and heal herself. Masi Oka, a Japanese graphic effects expert, plays the role of Hiro Nakamura who has the ability to bend the time and space continuum. Adrian Pasdar, a young pilot from Top Gun days, now plays the role of Nathan Petrelli who has the ability to fly and is Peter’s brother. Sendhil Ramamurthy plays the role of Mohinder Suresh, the professor who continues his father’s research about superhuman abilities and goes on a wild goose chase to find our Heroes and find answers for them.

The Heroes Experience

Heroes is really an awesome show with a great mix of science fiction, suspense, mystery, action and lots of human drama. This is what makes it stand out from other television series airing in the small screen. It’s ingenious combination of different genres appeals to different audiences who’s tired of watching the same formula show over and over again. The show had already folded up its first season with a bang. It will be back with season 2 on September and fans everywhere can’t wait for it to air. If you are still way behind the fever, dude, where have you been?

I remember a friend who was so in to Heroes and highly recommends us to watch it. According to him, Heroes is the reason why television was invented. After watching a marathon of its episode, I so totally agree. Heroes rocks!

ALICE IN WONDERLAND SCHOOL

113 Bern St. Green Park Village, Manggahan, Pasig City

I was browsing Friendster this week and I found an old familiar face – Charissa. Charissa was my classmate back in grade school. We were practically neighbors as we live in the same village. But we never get around into seeing each other. My grandparents don’t allow me to roam around the neighborhood. I guess the same case goes with her.

Memory Lane

Having seen Charissa and Donna, another grade school classmate, at Friendster brings back wonderful memories of my childhood. The days when I used to run after those guys who teases me because I’m fat. The days when I would carry around a rusty cutter threatening everyone who pisses me off (di ba, Michael?). The days when we would exchange ghost stories. Those were the days when we are pretty much convinced that our school was haunted. We even ended up ghost hunting after classes.

The days when I would ask everyone to sign up on my newly purchased slum book. I remember two of my guy classmates who ended up fighting and were sent to the principal’s office (di ba, Ellmann?). I remember spending hot afternoons at the Green Park Plaza to practice our foundation day presentation (from calisthenics, to folk dances, almost all kinds of dances courtesy of Ms. Austero). I remember when I used to steal away my seatmate’s book, pencil case, etc. just to piss him off (di ba, Mark Philip?). I remember the days when I threw a metal pencil case at my classmate because I was so mad at him for teasing me that I’m fat (di ba, Jeffriel?).

I remember Paul Capundan always gracing our programs with song number. Him and his wonderful voice. I remember Ellen Grace belting out Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston’s in school programs side by side Paul. I remember Carlo Agulto, our student council president since grade 5, delivering his speech every meeting de avance. I remember Ermie Ungab, Dondale Ortega and the gang menacing during class hours driving our teachers crazy.

Do you guys still remember the laundry lady at Lola’s house whose laundry area is just adjacent to our room? You guys sitting at the back row used to make ‘boso’ every time she washes her clothes. I remember Ellen Grace having a fight with Ermie and hitting him with a rattan stick. His head ended up bleeding and he was sent to the clinic for first aid. I could never forget April and Jeffriel’s bantering during classes.

I remember you all guys: Jeffriel Soria, Ellmann Cayetano, Carlo Agulto, Michael Gaviola, Plaridel Pascua, Ellen Grace Avilla, Charissa Navarro, Donna Bolanos, Jore Conol, Irish Domingo, Apple Agcoili, Karla Abcede, Kristine Bondoc, Rubenitz Flores (tama ba?), Mark Philip Dulay, Peter Dytioco, Jonathan Chavez, Ryan Polca, Raymante Francisco, Romualdo Bolanos, Glenn Gutierrez, Ricardo Torres, Ermie Ungab, Dondale Ortega, Joselle Fernandez, Roderick Cantorna, Paul Joseph Capundan, Richelle Rizate, Laarni Sumang, Pascanel Pascual (kilala niyo pa ba siya?), Evita (iyong classmate nating Australian na pinaiyak niyo), Kathrine Villaverde, Karen Coloma, Andrew Ablaza, Mark Benitez, Angela Cordoviz, John Paul Mamorno, etc. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned you all or if the surnames are still the same. But I do remember all of you.

Reunited

I read Paul’s testimonial to Charissa. I was touched he still remembers me. He mentioned that he hopes someday we could have a reunion and see each other again. I hope so too.

It’s just so sad that AWS doesn’t exist anymore. They have closed down the school a few years ago. I never get to know the exact reason why.

But seeing all my classmates now successful and happy brings me joy. I’ve seen most of them are now busy with their careers. Most of them are currently out of the country and are settles abroad. Most of them have already built their own families. Some are just planning on having theirs.

To your every endeavor, to our every success, to all the birthdays that I have missed, to homecomings and despididas, to newly weds and those who are planning to tie the knot, to all the wonderful things that have happened to all of us since the day we graduated in 1994… cheers! Kudos!

How long will it take you to say these two words? What will make you say it? And how are you gonna say it?

Nope. I’m not talking about wedding proposals. I’m talking about another stage in our lives. Moving on. Saying, “I quit!”

Something’s Gotta Give

At some point in our lives, we are faced with crossroads wherein we are often forced to make decisions. This is the time when we feel so tired about the regular routine and our heart yearns for something new. Whether in a relationship, or whether in our career, we are always looking for the one thing…growth.

The feeling of moving forward. The desire to take a relationship or a career to the next level. The desire to weather greater challenges and to achieve greater heights. How will you know the right time to look forward?

Feeling bored is an understatement. In a relationship, you always have this nagging feeling of emptiness. When his kiss doesn’t light up sparks anymore. Or her “I love you’s” sounds like an automated answering machine. Or when being with each other feels more like an obligation or a requirement and the excitement to see each other is all gone.

In a career, when waking up every morning is more like a chore. When going to work feels like going to the death chamber everyday. When your office table or cubicle looks more like a prison cell to you than a workstation. When it feels like your wearing chains tied on your feet every time you walk along your office hallways.

Parting Time

Saying goodbye or parting ways have never been easy. At least for me, it wasn’t. It is so hard to let go of something that have, no matter how much it pisses you, have been a part of your life. It is hard to let go of a routine you are so used to doing.

But at one point of another, we have to go. Saying, “I quit!” doesn’t always equate failure or having the incapability to survive. It often a sign of strength, of courage to move on…to move forward.

Change is inevitable. And oftentimes, it becomes the scariest moment of our lives. But the only thing constant in this world is change. It may not be that easy to deal with it, but sometimes, it is our only choice. That is, if we wanted to move forward.

Do not be afraid to embrace change. It is good. Take it positively and take things one day at a time. Sure there will be adjustments, but you’ll get used to it.

And when the time comes to say those two words, do it with grace and poise. Leave no room for animosity. Don’t burn any bridges. Because at some point in your journey, you could come across the same crossroad again.

Isang linggo na lang December na. Malapit na ang Pasko. Sa lahat ng mga kakilala ko, don’t forget my gift ha? Hehehe!

Wishlist ni

Bern

(kung may magmamagandang loob lang naman!)

1.                  cute na wallet

2.                  collection ng DVD ng 1-8 season ng Charmed

3.                  a new Swatch (iyong orig ha!)

4.                  new phone (Sony Ericson Cybershot…hehe!)

5.                  trip to Boracay

6.                  magandang pouch

7.                  laptop

8.                  charger for Ipod Nano

9.                  dock or speakers for Ipod

10.              cute na bag (iyong malaki)

11.              stuff toy na penguin

12.              membership sa Fitness First…hehe!

13.              new rubber shoes (sketchers ha!)

14.              a nice pair of earrings

15.              astig na jacket

16.              complete season na DVD collection ng Gilmore Girls

17.              mug sa Starbucks

18.              organizer ng Starbucks

19.              cute na notebook

20.              GC sa F salon

21.              rechargeable na batteries (4 na AA)

22.              charger ng battery

23.              a new car (Honda Jazz lang po)

24.              my own movie

25.              my own book

Sunshine, coffee, rain, sunsets, roadtrips, pillows, clouds, rainbows, stars at night, mornings, badminton, world’s greatest friend, love-the loudest cry your heart can make, emotions, dreams, goals, written words, books, shopping, the wind caressing my face, pouches, long baths, foot spas, yosi, movies, Quiapo, Manila.

That house at the end of the street, family, wonderful friends, colorful memories, the air that I breathe, the beating of my heart, my Ipod, text messages from friends, e-mails, Friendster, the Internet, my blogsite, my books, TV, music, PNK, worship service, churchmates, extended families, laundry, plastic bags, cotton candies, Big Chill, balloons, bubbles, paperdolls, notebooks, ice cream, cakes, chocolates, babies, penguins, pictures, wonderful memories, smileys, flip-flops, C2, pencils, clean clothes, shoes, cute earrings, paydays, freebies, bargains, mall-hopping, Cuervo, moments with friends.

Life and its uncertainties, faith, kids, food, surprises, gifts, red roses, pink carnations, purple mums, green grass, birds flying in the sky, highways at night, blue sky, deep blue sea, sandy shores, sunny beaches, mountains, hills, the full moon.

Daffodils, chandeliers, crystals, prayers, whispers, hums, tears, smiles, laughter, innocence, ignorance, wisdom, hope, trust, fear, assurance, loyalty, people who cares.

Hearing their voices, feeling their hearts, touching their souls, making a difference, ceasing every moment, praying at night, walking on solid ground, looking up the sky, walking barefooted on a grassy field, footprints.

Listening to the words that escapes your lips, listening to the beat that your heart makes, feeling your pain, feeling your joy, making you happy, cheering you up, jumping for joy, the thrill, the excitement…and everything else that remains to be unspoken.

For all of these and so much more…THANK YOU!